John Kreis: One sec
John Kreis: Did you guys hear about this?
John Kreis:
HOUSTON, Texas (AP) -- A surgical resident was killed when an
elevator malfunctioned and decapitated him, authorities said.
Hitoshi Nikaidoh, 35, was stepping into a second-floor elevator at
Christus St. Joseph Hospital Saturday morning when the doors suddenly
closed, pinning his shoulders. His head was severed when the elevator car
moved upward. A hospital employee witnessed the accident and spent about
20 minutes trapped inside the elevator before firefighters rescued her.
She was treated for shock in the hospital's emergency room, hospital
spokeswoman India Chumney Hancock said. Harris County medical examiners
were conducting an inquiry into the accident. Police said earlier that
maintenance crews had worked on the elevators during the week. The entire
elevator bank was pulled from operation until the investigation is complete.
Nikaidoh graduated in 2003 from the University of Texas-Houston Medical
School. Elevators and escalators kill about 30 and injure about 17,100
people each year in the United States, according to data from the U.S.
Bureau of Labor Statistics and the Consumer Product Safety Commission.
Stephanie Ware: Oh /gross/, John!
John Kreis: Yeah.
John Kreis: What I wanna know is, what part of the body was stuck in the
elevator with the woman?
Stephanie Ware: Well.
Stephanie Ware: He was stepping /in/ to the elevator.
Stephanie Ware: So, I'm guessing his head.
John Kreis: Not necessarily.
Stephanie Ware: 20 minutes inside an elevator with a severed head, dude.
John Kreis: Worse.
John Kreis: 20 minutes with a headless body, soiling itself.
Mick Shields: Had to have been the head.
John Kreis: Why?
Stephanie Ware: Because, it doesn't make sense the other way.
Stephanie Ware: He was walking in.
Stephanie Ware: And his shoulders were trapped.
John Kreis: Mick?
Mick Shields: There's no way the body lands first if the doors slam shut.
And man, what weird door shutting that had to have been.
How fast does the elevator move? Like Star Trek speed...?
John Kreis: It makes perfect sense.
Stephanie Ware: No way.
Mick Shields: The only way the body goes first is if he's doing a John
Cleese Funny Walk.
John Kreis: His shoulders were trapped. So he was focusing on pushing
them apart. His feet are already in the car, it starts
moving up, pivoting him backwards....
Mick Shields: No way...if the body lands first, then he is face up, and
gets full use of his elbows, arm, lat and shoulder
muscles...he stops the car by opening the doors.
Mick Shields: With the head and shoulders stuck, he's facing down, and
cannot brace the doors because of lack of
elbow/lat/deltoid movement. He can't get out.
Stephanie Ware: Well, unless the woman in the elevator car was /actually/
the nanny of the antichrist sent to kill the surgical
resident who treated the Son of Satan for a small scalp
wound and found his 666 marking. After he enters the
elevator, she uses her demon powers to force him to stick
his head out the door while the doors are closing and
then causes the doors to stick tight and the elevator to
move at Star Trek speed, thus decapitating him.
Stephanie Ware: Which is equally as possible as John's theory.
John Kreis: Oh please! My theory is totally provable.
Mick Shields: So's Steph's but everyone who proves it dies...
Stephanie Ware: Oh, like you can prove /mine/ isn't true.
John Kreis: You don't even believe in Satan.
Stephanie Ware: That's what they force me to say.
John Kreis: Whatever. I think it's cooler if it's his body in the car.
John Kreis: OK... How's this theory.
John Kreis: He rushes onto the elevator. The doors pin his shoulders.
John Kreis: In the panic struggle, he's trying to pull himself all the way
into the elevator car, then he slips his shoulders free,
and the doors clamp on to his head.
John Kreis: Therefore. The body is in the car, and the head is waiting
for the next elevator, bummed because it has no way to
push the button.
John Kreis: ..uh...the end.
Stephanie Ware: Ok. But, why's he running like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo
again?
Mick Shields: heeheeheehee
John Kreis: Oh, like you've never panicked!
Stephanie Ware: When I do, my legs run /that/ far in front of my
shoulders?? I think not.
Mick Shields: John
John Kreis: Yes?
Mick Shields: Exactly what Steph said.
Mick Shields: There's no way a person outside of cartoons runs like that.
Mick Shields: Or even panics like that.
John Kreis: Oh really? You ever been in the room when Jim sees a spider?
Mick Shields: No, thank god.
John Kreis: Yeah.. People do panic like that.
Stephanie Ware: LOL
Stephanie Ware: This is the /stupidest/ conversation, I sweartagod.
Mick Shields: look, let's just get some stupid DJ from Q101 to call this
traumatized chick and get the real story.
John Kreis: Yeah!
Stephanie Ware: Good idea. "Um...yeah. Our condolences on your recent
trauma and all that shit. But, um, were you in the
elevator with the head? The body? Our friend John
thinks it is the body, which means this intern dude was
running for the elevator like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. Can
you comment on this?"
Mick Shields: I want to know if the elevator went ape-shit or if it was
happening in Elevator Real-Time.
Mick Shields: Because Elevator Real-Time is way too slow for something
this bizarre to happen.
Stephanie Ware: No shit. I mean, I don't know exactly what Elevator
Real-Time is, as a measurement of time, but.
Stephanie Ware: Well, you'd also really have to ask yourself why, if it
was going on in Elevator-Real-Time, the lady in the
elevator didn't either push the door-open button or try
to help the guy get his head out.
Stephanie Ware: Which actually lends support to my theory regarding the
Antichrist nanny.
Mick Shields: oh good point!
Stephanie Ware: *shrugs* I'm not saying I have all of the answers, just
the most intriguingly far-fetched ones.
John Kreis: Damn...
John Kreis: Here's the answer.
John Kreis: http://www.hinduonnet.com/thehindu/holnus/03191402.htm
US doctor killed in freak 'elevator accident'
The Hindu: New York, Aug 19. (PTI): In a freak accident at a Houston
hospital, a lift shot up while a doctor was entering it, pinning his
shoulders between the doors and severing his head. A female worker left
with the severed head inside the lift for 15 minutes was being treated
for shock. Authorities were investigating what went wrong at Christus St.
Joseph hospital in Houston on Saturday which killed Hitoshi Nikaidoh, a
physician. Elevator expert Charles Buckman said he'd never heard of an
elevator malfunctioning like the one in Houston. "That kind of accident
is almost nonexistent. There are a whole bunch of safeguards to prevent
the elevator running without the doors being closed," he said. Nikaidoh,
a resident who was on duty, was planning to become a Christian
missionary, the Houston Chronicle reported. He was born in Japan and was
voted by his classmates at University of Texas-Houston Medical School as
epitomizing the qualities of a good doctor.
Mick Shields: "The Hindu"
Mick Shields: ???
