Darth Kahuna and the Virtual Hotties
By
Christopher O’Kennon
Dating in the 21st Century
The room was dimly lit and smelled of cheap wine and starchy carbohydrates. In front of me, leaning against the bar provocatively and wearing a low-cut blouse, was a painfully attractive young woman. I winked at her and waited for her response.
Another woman caught my eye. Just as attractive, but wearing a bikini and showing her ample wares in a way that caused a sensation similar to when I used to climb trees as a kid. She was a little young for me, but she lived closer and liked intellectual guys, so I winked at her.
I pushed my chair away from the computer, logged off, and went downstairs to feed the dogs.
A fictional account, but similar to what happens every day across the globe, as more and more people discover online dating, or, as one participant put it, “The Online Human Shopping Network.”
In my web surfing I had seen ads for several online personals, so I decided to check out a few to find out what the attraction was - you know, for “normal” people. I set up accounts using the nickname “darth_kahuna” and provided clever (I thought) answers to a variety of questions, witty (I thought) narratives of myself and my perfect partner, and uploaded images that, in most cases, did not even remotely resemble me. I buried a disclaimer deep in my narrative to let people know that I faked most of the pictures (the shots of my dogs playing poker were real), then took a look around.
I soon discovered that my original preconceptions about the virtual dating scene were way off. For one thing, it wasn’t just ugly and desperate men and women who used the service, although there were many of those folks as well. It wasn’t even full of wackos (about 3 percent
[i] are pretending to be a gender that they aren’t, and a very fetching member of that gender to boot). Most of the people in these dating databases ranged from fairly average to extremely attractive. I wondered, why would all these hotties need to resort to such a “geeky” dating venue?
So I asked them.
The responses were as varied as the respondents.
Jennifer, a very intelligent and successful woman, described her reasons for using an online service: “I decided to use an online dating service because I've found that in my daily life, there is so little time to meet single people. Between work, school and all the stuff in between, there really isn't a whole lot of spare time left. And, of course, irony of ironies, technology hasn't given us more spare time.”
Technoprincess, answered the same question with, “a friend signed me up as a joke…but I have met several interesting people.” Her photo, as striking as it was, garnered more attention than her profile. Most of the guys who e-mailed her, she said, commented on the picture first (yeah, we’re like that). She also went on to say that she has met more white men online than she normally meets at bars or clubs, as the intimidation factor is different online.
Gia, who I ran into on two different services, is quick to befriend strangers and seems to have no shortage of real-world fans. This sort of “window shopping” cuts through a lot of the trial-and-error, she says. A long distance relationship is not what she’s interested in, so seeing the general area where a person lives is helpful.
There are also the oddballs lurking in these communities, just as they lurk in real life. And, as someone once said (might have been me), the world has no shortage of beetles or bungholes. One fellow I encountered, who we will call James (‘cause that’s his name), impersonates an attractive and sexually eager Chinese woman. Why he does this is unclear. In our discussion he offered several excuses, ranging from revenge at being “pranked” himself to weeding out competition. This strikes me as overanalyzing what gets him his jollies, but to each his own. I knew immediately he was a fake, as his profile was written the way a guy fantasizes a woman would talk, as opposed to how they really do. That, and I recognized the soft porn model he used for his photo (let’s not discuss how I became so familiar with porn models). He had no qualms about misleading so many guys, and probably still carries on this charade. No one’s perfect, right? If they were, I wouldn’t have so many bodies shoved in the back of my freezer. But I digress.
At one time the only people who would use a service like match.com
[ii], Yahoo Personals
[iii], or MySpace
[iv] were super-geeks or the circus freaks with a laptop they could strap to their misshapen hides. Then again, at one time there were no images on the Web and in order to see dirty pictures you had to steal them from a book store. Times change. The world of online dating has exploded in a way that only technology can allow. Everyone from lonely farmers to exotic models to overworked professionals are using this new means to an end.
And it seems to be working just fine.
Many of its users would say even better than the old way. You don’t have to worry about going home in the rain or sitting through endless pickup lines just to get a table. If someone comes off obnoxious, you delete their e-mail and move on. You don’t even have to worry about thinking of new ways to tell someone to “get bent.” And if you somehow manage to run into them on the street, you can just claim Windows ate your e-mail.
Sure, you can’t count on your potential partner to be too drunk to tell you’re ugly and overweight, but you can always doctor up a picture using PhotoShop and hope to God you can get that liposuction before you have to meet your dream date in person. Low resolution can cover a multitude of sins.
15 Minutes of Fame
And it isn’t just traditional dating that is done online. Sites like MySpace and Friendster
[v] have created communities based on networking and inviting “friends” into your group. Although some are there looking for physical gratification, many are looking for intellectual stimulation and expression. Relationships based on mutual interests and online chatting form every day, and often spill over into other online worlds (Blogs
[vi] like Live Journal
[vii] and its darker companion, Dead Journal
[viii]) and e-mail relationships. If you just want to find interesting people to chat with, or a workout partner in Peoria who enjoys Kendo, you can go that route and save wear and tear on your shoes.
Many of you will have read that last paragraph and said to the person in the stall next to you, “What the heck was that about?” Welcome to the world of true equality, where everyone and anyone who has something to say, or thinks they do, can be heard.
Blogs are a logical extrapolation of common Web technology. In days past if you wanted to put up a Web site, you needed money and skill. You had to get someone to host your site, an editor to create the HTML or the code that displayed the page, and you needed software to move the code from your computer to the server hosting your Web site (if this is still too technical for you, just skip the next few paragraphs or go back to watching Family Feud reruns). Now, all it takes is an internet connection and a browser. You log on to your Blog page (it used to be called “Web Log,” but that took just too damn long to say) and type away the minutia of your mundane life. It’s a beautiful exercise in vanity and self indulgence, and I have one myself
[ix] and relish knowing that some server is backing up my boring crap to be saved for decades.
Then the online dating networks merged with the Blog communities, and hybrid communities were formed, like MySpace. Some were general meeting places, and others had more specific goals like One Model Place
[x], which caters to models, actors, and photographers. You can find me there as well, in case you need a bitter, out-of-shape model for your next catwalk shoot.
Lucky for an old fart like me, I know someone young and hip who can explain all this to me (who I met online, of course). Katiebird, a young woman who serves as my conduit to the hip and trendy, described the force behind the evolution aptly. “There isn't a person out there that wouldn't like to be popular; famous in some little way. “ For many, the online life has replaced night life. It’s cheaper and less painful. Movies, drinks, and all the standard frills of going out can take a heavy toll on your wallet, as well as recovering from all those drinks needed to make the person across from you sound interesting. It’s socializing, and its promotion.
Yes, promotion. You network and you promote yourself. Sometimes to make friends of similar interests, sometimes to break into an industry like modeling, writing, or whatnot. It no longer costs millions to be heard, it costs pennies. It’s open season on information, my friends. Everyone’s out there if they’re anyone, or if they want to be someone.
Aimless Wanderings
Many people have the impression that the Internet is nothing but porn and stock quotes (there’s a joke circulating that if you took all the porn off the internet, there would be just one web site left. And that site would be a petition to bring back the porn). Although it may look unorganized and obscene to many, the truth is far more complex. As with any collection of organisms, the Web has grown on its own with little regard for planning. A million people connected together can produce quite an effective organism, even if they can’t physically touch each other. Life evolves; nature finds a way.
The Web is as much a part of nature as a stream or a mountain. Life begets life, even if the form is new.
Internet communities of all shapes and sizes are proliferating and allowing people to interact with those they may never have otherwise even imagined existed. Some see a time where not having an identity on the Web will be as big a handicap as not having electricity, or transportation, or one of your major senses. There are dangers lurking out there, but there are also untold opportunities.
So the next time you find yourself sitting around grumbling about all the losers in your town, fire up your modem and meet someone new. Just be sure to watch your six, as you never know if you’re talking to Jade_Princess_001 or Hairy_Stones_ownz_Joo.
Supplemental information and links can be found online at
www.okennon.com/chris/newsite/darthkahuna[i] I pulled this number out of my butt, as based on my experience, that’s what it seemed to be. I have made no real scientifically sound study. Yet.
[ii] www.match.com
[iii] personals.yahoo.com
[iv] www.myspace.com
[v] www.friendster.com
[vi] Shortened version of “Web logs”
[vii] www.livejournal.com
[viii] www.deadjournal.com
[ix] http://www.deadjournal.com/users/darthkahuna[x] http://www.onemodelplace.com/
