Your Kid Not a Genius? So Sue Disney.

This falls under the category of fracking ridiculous, and I'm surprised the Mouse actually did it. 

Baby Einstein Refund

Sure, it was a bit of hyperbole to say that video entertainment for babies would make them geniuses, but far less than goes on in normal marketing.  How many guys who wear Axe deodarant actually get jumped by swimsuit models?  And all I've ever gotten out of eating Doritos is fatter and stinkier.

Hmmm...maybe I can get my money back..?

Yard Nazis

I tend to be naive about a lot of things. I'm not racist, so I assume no one around me is. I'm not judgemental, so I assume no one else is. I'm not a fracking loon, so I assume no one else is.

Boy, was I wrong.

I live in one of those neighborhoods with an Association. We pay a yearly fee, and in return someone cuts the grass. It also seems they go around and evaluate lawns. My lawn sucks. I'm not deluded in any way about that. I have young kids, limited time, two dogs, and I suck at yard work and household maintenence. My yard has weeds, the edges get a little uneven, I don't have a blower to blow my clippings into the phantom zone, and I can barely keep the lawn mower running.

But then again, other people have crappy lawns, too. I've checked. I'm not alone in that. At least my yard is green. Sure, it's mostly because the weeds have won out over the grass, but it's green, and it's relatively short.

Not sufficient, say the yard nazis.

These are the guys who spend half their salaries and all of their time working on their yards. It's ok with the kids don't get braces or attention, as long as they have a lush, green yard. Drought? Can't stop watering the yard on a daily basis.

And if that's what they like, then fine. I try not to judge. But come on...

I have a next door neighbor who believes the weeds in the community are being spawned solely in my yard, so he built a three foot fence to stop them. Built it himself over severalw eeks in the hot summer sun. Crazy as a hatter. It would only stop the weeds with eyes. The rest of them would either be airborne or travel under the ground. He spends an incredible amount of time on the yard. Currently it's all dead. I guess my weeds stole the rain.

When I suggested to our Association that maybe we should use our dues to repair the playground and avoid some crushed skulls, I was told that I was a jerk for suggesting the whole neighborhood rep[air something only the familys with young kids use, and by the way, you're a lazy slob who intentionally keeps his yard ugly to piss off the neighbors.

WTF?

I must admit it came as a bit of a shock to find out that anyone thought I had an ugly yard ON PURPOSE. Who does THAT? If I was doing it intentionally (like I don't cut the three inches of grass along that three foot fence. It's on my side, but it's not in my yard), I would do it up proper. Put a rusted out Chevy in front. Add some pink flamingos. Pee dirty words into the grass.

I think that the inherant flaw with volunteer Homeowners Associations is that the only people who have time to be on them are people who really shouldn't be on them. People who go to their yard with hair trimmers to ensure proper length of grass.

I think it's time to go pee in my yard...

Another Modest Proposal

An Update on the Control and Maintenance of the General Population Through Public Education
Presented to the Illuminati in closed session
Richmond, VA
USA

We've filled the schools with bureaucrats and pencil pushers who haven't had an original idea in decades, and made it almost impossible to push an agenda other than our own. When parents try to get involved, we tell them it's "against policy" and when they don't contribute enough funds we tell them they need "to be involved."

I look out at all of your round, shining faces, and I am once again glad that in a classless society, we are the upper class.

To give us all some background, there was a time in our Golden Age where only the rich received an education. After all, why force an education on peasants who have no interest in it? They were content to work on our farms and estates and do our bidding. And we were content to let them, lest they feel the sting of the whip or the rack.

Then, starting in the 1700's, those peasants starting getting unhealthy ideas. They started to question their lot in life, and revolt against the aristocracy. A bunch of farmers in the American Colonies successfully threw off the British royalty. French peasants overthrew the wealthy government, and cut off their heads to boot. The Prussians, arguably the most powerful military in the world, was defeated by an army of untrained rabble under the leadership of a guy named Napoleon.

Understandably the aristocrats were getting nervous. Without the peasant class, they'd have to do their own work. Without their heads, they couldn't eat their caviar. But what to do?

Then the King of Prussia and the Empress of Austria hit on a plan. Compulsory education to keep the working class in line. This plan and certain elements that made it appealing:

1. It was compulsory, enforced by guns and prison. The first goal of this system was to cause impressionable children to learn early on that their first loyalty was to the all-powerful state instead of their families.


2. It was linear rather than holistic. In order to become good soldiers and workers, the students needed to become linear thinkers who would do what they were told without looking at the larger picture. Topics would be split from each other and critical thinking would be unlearned.


3. It was timed. To prepare children for a life of factory work at the time when the Industrial Revolution was getting up to speed, it was decided that students must learn to start and stop their activities at the ring of a bell.


4. It was graded. With the Industrial Revolution came the concept of something "making the grade;" products either passed or failed. To fail was to be inferior, to pass was to be accepted.


5. No give and take. Students were not equals. In order to ask a question a student must ask permission to ask a question, by means of raising the hand. Knowledge and instruction flowed in one direction and was controlled.


6. Content was controlled. Like items on an assembly line, students could be standardized. They could be made into good citizens instead of revolutionaries.

At one point it looked like we in America wouldn't embrace this philosophy. Railroad magnates were concerned that education would strip away their almost slave-like labor. But the first US Commissioner of Education wrote a nice letter to the Railroads explaining that the public education system was "scientifically designed to produce socially compliant workers.

Thank God. The rest, as they say, is history.

So where are we now, my friends and colleagues? Well, aside from your children, who are all in private schools being prepared for a future of their own choosing, things are going pretty much as planned. The Standards of Learning passed in Virginia, and despite some working-class concerns, we managed to cement the deal and add another means of ensuring that schools don't stray from the path and teach creativity or critical thinking. We have teachers so busy teaching the Standards that they have no opportunity to teach anything useful and screw up our beautifully designed curriculum.

We have the "No Child Left Behind" policy in place, thanks to the President, which requires schools to practically double the amount of tests they have to purchase from us, making a nice $600 billion a year to help pay for our private educations.

We've filled the schools with bureaucrats and pencil pushers who haven't had an original idea in decades, and made it almost impossible to push an agenda other than our own. When parents try to get involved, we tell them it's "against policy" and when they don't contribute enough funds we tell them they need "to be involved."

Sure, sometimes the working class gets it in their heads to try and homeschool their children. Admittedly this is a growing problem, and it doesn't help matters that homeschooled students do better on college entrance exams than their public schooled peers. But with economic issues vying for their parent's attention, it is our hope that middle class America just won't have the time or resources to homeschool.

So what of the future? True, we don't need factory workers as much as we used to, but that doesn't mean we should consider giving in to the liberals and the intellectuals and allow our cheap labor a chance to pull themselves up to our level. There will always be a need to control the rabble. You never know when you might need a new gardener.

So I say, Stay the Course. We've done fine so far. Why change?

Thank you, and enjoy your veal. Try to tip your waitress as she probably eats soylent green three meals a day.